By Nicole Leigh West as seen on The Huffington Post:
3 Reasons Why Finding The One is a Myth
Are you still searching for The One? That perfect partner placed on earth specifically for you? Or, have you already found The One… more than twice? Falling in love and being in love are wonderful experiences, but we’re missing the point if we think this state of love has anything to do with finding The One.
The search for – and often subsequent disappointment in – The One is a leading cause of unhappiness, not to mention responsible for a tsunami of songs, movies and TV shows that make you want to crawl into a cave and hide forever, least you be pulled into endless, lovelorn misery.
Worst of all, we actually sometimes think we like wallowing in said lovelorn misery.
The thing is, finding The One is as much of a society-made construct as TV, traffic rules, school uniforms and, well… marriage. Finding The One is not a path we must automatically walk in order to have valuable, significant and blissful lives. Most of us, actually, simply find out that there are many ‘The Ones’, along the way.
Does this sound harsh and dream-shattering to you? Or lucky? However you view it, it does have a happy ending and the fairy-tale part of the myth is still available – once the myth is dissolved, if you look in the right place.
Myth Number 1
Progression in Life Means – Education, Career, Meeting ‘The One’, House, Marriage, Babies. Also – Be Sure to Follow This Exact Order
We can’t seem to bust out of this particularly limiting myth. Many reading this right now may think, “That way of living is so old-fashioned,” but others may think, “What other way is there to live?” Still, some could believe, “But those are the only desires I have.” There is no right or wrong in forging your own path in life. The problems emerge when you follow pre-made blueprints that you had no hand in making.
Even in this day and age, movies, parents, schools and communities still invest an inordinate amount of time promoting this particular blueprint for life. Hence the common feelings of low self-esteem and failure if we haven’t met The One by a certain age, or we have several perceived failed relationships or have to label ourselves a divorcee.
Think Bridget Jones. Funny, that most of us love her regardless of the humiliating way in which she’s portrayed, via not initially meeting society standards.
If we didn’t see this blueprint as mandatory, the meaning behind finding The One would become rather insignificant. So, unless following this particular method for a life path really sings to your soul, know that you don’t have strive for it, let along achieve it.
We have to free ourselves from the illusion that the normal way, the way it’s always been done, is the only way. An easy way to do this is to look at other cultures – it becomes obvious, very quickly, that we only behave as we do because of training, depending on which culture we were raised in. There is no normal or right way, there is only YOUR way.
Myth Number 2
Finding The One Means Happily Ever After for Life
This popular myth suggests we’re one-dimensional. That every experience is basically redundant, with no power to lead to lifelong fulfillment. We can disprove this myth in a second by focusing on other desires we have, all of which are just as significant to our growth, regardless of what the media and society promote.
To use a movie as an example again, a “Stepford Wife” is now a well-used term for a perfectly groomed woman with two kids, a handsome, rich husband and a picket fence. That’s it. There’s only so far one can go, in terms of evolvement, confined within these labels.
Why is this stereotype still seeping into the dreams of teenage girls, as their main desire, when they could be manifesting life as an astronaut or an environmentalist or a professional surf bum? Within living our life purpose, love comes to us as a bonus, a gift, rather than a “Must Do This Before 20 or 30 or 40 to be Accepted” scenario.
The Stepford Wife stereotype obviously doesn’t embrace all the delicious parts of love, partnership and parenthood, a delightful scenario to envision and bring to life. Still, it carries much of the blame as to why we think finding The On’ and living the suburban ideal of the 50’s is crucial to our happiness.
Within society, it appears more important to achieve this ideal, than to love ourselves, and put ourselves first. I bet a lot of 50’s housewives were dreaming of careers, travel, equality, being able to put themselves first and loving a man who could cook – let’s remember we are able to do and have all this now, in a way they may not have imagined was possible within the limits of society at the time. (Thank you, to all our predecessors who moulded and shaped the rules towards expansion, in times much harder than these!).
The only limits now, are strange, crumbling ideals of long-gone rules, hanging on like the smell of moth-balls, to those too fearful to change or embrace individuality, in a way that advances and expands the whole of humanity.
Myth Number 3.
The One is a Person Other Than Ourselves
Considering that the majority of us find many ‘The Ones’ throughout life, as opposed to a life-long partner, it makes statistical sense that The One is not, in fact, another person.
The One we’re searching for, is ourselves. If we still think The One is out there, we’re trapped in the illusion of an ideal we didn’t create. We didn’t even have a chance, initially, to pick or choose ideals. After all, we were born into a world that drives concepts such as ‘happily ever after’ to sell Valentine’s Day cards.
When we begin to look for and to know ourselves, we lose all attachment to the notion of The One being anyone but ourselves. We lose all desire to try to make ourselves happy through another person or external events.
If you’re single and searching for The One right now – stop and look in the mirror. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t giving you happiness, it’s okay. You’re not losing The One, because you already are that. If you’ve found The One and are feeling total bliss, what you’ve actually found is a most gorgeous experience. If that person were to disappear from your life, you would still have YOU. Wonderful, glorious YOU on a journey to fulfill your desires through growth and evolvement, regardless of the presence of The One.
“Loving yourself does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic or disregarding others. Rather, it means welcoming yourself as the most honoured guest in your own heart. A guest worthy of respect, a loveable companion.” — Margo Anand
Imagine dropping the whole idea of The One. Just releasing it like a heavy backpack. Imagine the freedom of knowing, no matter who you’re with or not with, you’ve already found The One who means the most? Fall in love with yourself, then all love that comes into your life is free of attachment, free of the ideals of others and, therefore, 100 percent authentic.
Leave a Reply